Why I'm Addicted to Money

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Heart

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, but when I was a kid we went through a time when we didn’t have the money to pay the utilities. No electricity. No hot water.

I still see the candlelight flickering off the wall. The sponge baths from the green propane camping stove heating up the water in the bathroom.

Repeatedly pushing an old TV power button that couldn’t illuminate, no matter how bad I wanted to watch Knight Rider.

Today—I have this embarrassing and awfully insidious relationship with money.

This sticky web of:

-I’ll never have enough money
-I never spend money I do have
-It’s so hard to get money

Now I’m tiring in my scarcity crusade. What if none of these thoughts are true? Is it possible?

I’ve retraced my steps back to the no utilities flickering candlelight.

For a moment I thought it was a real party trick. You know, ‘Nice to meet you. I’m Jonz . . . yeah and when I was a kid we didn’t have electricity for a while.’

My friend at school said he called the house phone but the call couldn’t go through. I lied and told him that it must have been a problem with the phone company.

I decided once I got older, I’d make so much money that I’d never have to go without utilities. Ever 🤑 

That I’d make so much money that everything would be okay. And by everything, what do I mean?

I mean me. ‘I’ would be okay. Happy. Safe.

100? Fine 100.

I’ve still never been okay. All l the money I’ve made. All the pay checks, the 401k, the investment accounts, and the stocks that I never thought I could sell.

Never enough. Because honestly, who would I be without them?

Hmm.

I’ve accepted money can pay your utility bill, impress a girl, buy you a boat, a trip to Turks and Caicos, or even bankroll your favorite charity. It can. I’ve seen it.

The number I needed to feel safe always ticked up, because there is always something new to pay for.

Soon, my good idea to have perpetual electricity, expanded to must-have stocks and mutual funds, became I can’t give extra money away, can’t fly to Omaha → all the way to losing the girl I loved—because nothing was more important than passing my parole with my money master.

I tried so hard.

Alas, money can’t fix the darkness inside. 100? Only I can do that. From the inside out. From Inner Work.

Is it possible?

I formed a plan.

Tonight I’m retracing my steps. Using the flux capacitor and going back to the 80’s, to the old TV, to the flicker of the candlelight. To my Inner Work.

Friend, that’s on the next InspoLetter, will you join me?

Mind 🌞 

Worldwide → 655M people without electricity

United States → 13.4 million residential disconnection events

Also

Worldwide → 2.1 billion without safely managed drinking water (roughly 1 out 4 people)

United States → 12 - 19M struggling to afford water service

Soul ⚡️ 

🎶 I use to let it tear me up
When my boys lost a football game

That dent in the bed of my truck
‘Bout drove me half insane

Politics and the price of gas
Things I wanted that I don’t have

I’ve learned to let them all go
‘Cause the things that mean the most

Is waking up with the woman I love
Talkin’ to the man above

Sippin’ my coffee from my favorite cup
Slowin’ down in the country

Going huntin’ with my old man
Huggin’ Mama while I still can

I think I finally understand
Life ain’t about money

I’m going to spend a little more time . . .
Chasin’ things that matter 🎵 

—Things That Matter, song, Jameson Rodgers

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